I was inspired tonight at 3 in the morning to write this article despite my worries that I won’t be rested enough tomorrow (I have the day off tomorrow, so it’s not like I have somewhere to be anyway, hahah silly thoughts). But what came to me tonight was that I finally realized what it means to me to honour the women in my life.
To the woman in my life right now, I honour you fully by accepting the way that you decide to make your decisions going forward, with or without me. First and foremost, I want you to be happy with your life. I want to finally know what it feels like to be supportive of you just as you have been supportive of me in my life. I know that you are going through a tough and confusing transitional period of time in your life right now and I just want you to know that I am with you, not against you because I love you. I am grateful for you and all that you have shown and taught me through all of the experiences we shared together, for the way in which you express your beauty and grace, and for making me into a far better man than the one that I was before I met you.
In the past, I have failed to honour the woman in my life by expecting her to yield to the way that I thought I wanted her to be. For example, I have been with a woman who wanted me to be exclusive with her in a relationship because that is the way that she felt safe and comfortable enough to express herself fully. I did not honour this woman initially because I expected her to accept the open relationship model, even though she expressed on numerous occasions that that was not what she was looking for, I insisted anyway. I loved her profoundly inside of me, but I did not express my love to her on the outside fully because I did not honour the way of this particular woman and so we broke up for a period of time. We ended up back together in the future, but my fixation on the idea of open relationships still permeated my mind and caused some distraction in my thoughts. This distraction caused me to be less present than this woman fully deserved from me at times in our relationship.
Additionally, her way was a lot more passive than my own and because I continuously gave energy to overthinking the situation, I continuously pushed and prodded her to open up and express herself openly a lot more than she was comfortable with. I failed to honour the way in which the woman in my life naturally showed up in the world by rejecting a part of her regularly, which put a lot of pressure on her to be someone that she was not. Even though I completely loved this woman, at the time I did not realize that I was acting in a way that was actually showing the opposite to her through sabotaging my efforts to love her fully because I was not acting in a way that communicated to her that I fully accepted her as she is; beautiful and complete.
Another time came up where I was called to be supportive of the woman in my life in an emergency situation. Again, because of the fixation I had on my thoughts (i.e. how can I fix this situation?) rather than fixating on being present with her and listening to what she was feeling and what she needed, I put an enormous amount of pressure on her in her already vulnerable state to be a way that she was not at that time. Unknowingly at the time, rather than showing her unconditional love through my actions, I created distance between us where I would later learn that I failed her as her partner in this situation because I failed to be supportive of her through my own judgments of the situation.
There were many occasions where the woman I loved would try to reach out to me and start planning our future together and once again, came in the pattern of over-thinking. Instead of taking action to plan our future together, I rejected her outpouring of love by instead focusing my energy on my financial and employment situation (a deep lack that I felt). I did not honour that she strongly felt that it was time for us to move forward in life and instead focused on my self-limiting and self-defeating thoughts that told me I was not worthy enough to have the things we dreamed of. Thus, I either avoided the issue altogether, or threw out random distractions as a means to delay planning our life together in the future; further detrimental action I chose to partake in towards our relationship, rather than trying my best to plan, accommodate, and deal with my feelings of inadequacy inside myself like the mature masculine would. Her final attempts to work with me were to have me meet her family and take a trip with her somewhere so we could both clear our heads and start fresh. Because of my continued fixation of lack of finances and work, I told her to go on her own. I did not even make an attempt to join her and show her through my actions that what she said was important for me, and so I once again alienated the woman I loved.
Whatever one’s relationship status, I now understand that it is the duty of the masculine to honour the beauty and grace of the feminine through listening and action. However a woman feels safe, loved, and honoured through the way she chooses to show up in the world is something that needs to be cherished. I also realize that placing expectations on the feminine to give more than the feminine can and/or wants to give is immaturity; true masculinity stems from acting on love, and showing strength through restraint by accepting and appreciating anything and everything that the feminine offers, even if that offer is nothing. Today I commit to putting my thoughts aside in the future and act in a way that honours what matters the most to me; a woman’s worth.
This article is in no way a self-deprecating article. It is merely me acknowledging the truth behind my actions, accepting and releasing what transpired, and learning more about the way in which I will honour women in my life in the future. I respect and love myself and have the utmost respect and love for women. It is time that I honour my feelings fully through accepting responsibility for my actions going forward.