I’ve been inspired to write this post in lieu of recent events in my life. I feel that I’ve had an incredible awakening at a base level, but it certainly hasn’t stopped there; it’s almost as though I keep awaking from a dream only to find myself later awakening from another dream (kind of like in the movie Inception – cue eerie music). In other words, my goal is to become as aware of my choices and actions in my day to day life as much as possible, which has certainly been eye-opening, over and over and over again.
“Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon or too late” 1 is a quote that struck a chord and resonated at my core. For my entire life I’ve fought with the idea that I’m being controlled, be that by a partner, a friendship, family, or otherwise. In turn, this has made me overly skeptical and prone to over-analysis and essentially, when I go ‘down the rabbit hole,’ I start creating havoc in the lives of those I care about a lot without even realizing it often until it’s too late and irreparable damage has been caused.
It’s really hard for me to surrender to the fact that I am just one of several billion people on a planet so vast that my mind can’t even comprehend the size of the earth itself, let alone what ‘several billion’ people even means in the context of my own reality. The earth is one thing and then there is infinite space outside of earth; in essence, my presence in the universe is crumb-sized compared to the vastness of everything else. My inflated sense of self-importance has alienated me from the people I care about most in my life in my past, but today I choose to become aware of my self-defeating pattern. I realize today that my perspective on this planet has meaning, but often the meaning is only important to me and not necessarily helpful for a given situation. I bow my head and surrender to the word humility.
I often wish that I could take back some of the nasty things I’ve said and done in the past and wipe out my selfish relationship-sabotaging behaviour, but all I have today is this moment and I choose to release the past. I am a forever learner and I forgive myself for the wrongdoings that I’ve committed against those I care about the most because I have chosen to see these things as a lesson rather than an awful experience. My Aunt, Brenda Garneau told me a great quote yesterday when she was giving me some tough love, which was: “sometimes in life you just have to eat crow.” Often I am wrong. Sometimes I am so wrong that I just need to keep my mouth shut or I’ll just make things worse. Sometimes my perspective is not helpful in a given situation and instead, all I need to do is surrender to the moment.
Surrender to being humbled by what transpires in the moment and allow the tidal wave of emotions to wash over me, rather than try to numb out and avoid my reality through substances, TV/Netflix, Facebook/Social Media, the Internet, arguing my point to death without yielding, not listening or listening with intent to respond, dramatizing my current situation like I’m the only one who has ever experienced it (looking for pity), blaming others for my problems by playing the role of victim, and taking others for granted by focusing more on their lesser traits rather than on their amazing traits.
With a deep surrender to life comes a deep humbling, but also an enormous sense of gratitude for allowing life to throw me into experiences that continuously test my character and authenticity. I now truly believe that life is meant to be wild… It’s meant to be an every day adventure that tests my limits constantly. What I have do control over is how I respond to what life puts in front of me, no matter how ‘good’ or ‘bad’ I perceive it to be at the time, not what unfolds, because what unfolds is playing a much bigger game than my brain could ever comprehend. I choose to respond to life with my best foot forward as often as I can by listening and humbling my head.
I would like to extend a special apology to the one closest to me that I have hurt in my wake of learning my lessons about humility and control. Know that I love you, I am truly sorry, and that I commit now and until the end of my life to become the best version of myself that I can consciously muster.
- Quote by Byron Katie; see https://medium.com/the-mission/life-doesnt-happen-to-you-it-happens-for-you-ea86b19c0b65 ↩