Over-thinking has really been a common theme for me lately and has truthfully, eaten a part of my soul. I realize more day by day how much time I actually spend solely thinking about the thoughts running through my mind (which never stop coming anyway), versus actual time spent engaged in what’s happening in my life in the current moment.
Due to the oil-price crash recession Canadians are currently facing, many of us, including myself, are struggling and finding it difficult to pay basic expenses with the little amount of work available, and dealing with the reality of unemployment or underemployment. Many days I’ve found myself completely lost; both mentally and emotionally crushed by fear – brainstorming infinite possibilities about: why I can’t find the ‘right’ job for me, or why I’m not able to find any job at all; essentially, wondering what is wrong with me? However, stepping back and looking at the facts of my current reality, I have spent a great deal of my personal time applying for jobs online and/or dreaming about making it big as an entrepreneur and launching my own business, all while staring at a computer screen and not actually interacting with other human beings on a person-to-person level.
Due to a lovely conversation I had with my mother recently, I believe I have gotten to a point in my over-thinking career that I’ve realized I need to actually – in the physical sense! – make an effort to make contact with as many human beings as I possibly can. In other words, I need to confidently and boldly share my story with many other humans (I will use realistic discretion here) and hope that at least one person can help me somehow by connecting me with a job prospect. I realize now the importance in this time of taking any job, period. I need to get off my ass, out of the house, and I need to get busy working again in any type of job, and that’s my top priority… Stay tuned, I’ll be writing another article on my personal thoughts on how I believe that all jobs are created equally.
The current reality of my situation is, I need to help myself. I need to be brave and show my heart (my courage) to others. I need to trust that there are other human beings out there who will care about my story and want to help me out in any way they can, even if what they are willing to offer may not be up to my expectations – the very same expectations which are based on feelings of entitlement that I possess of how people should be helping me. Once I allow my expectations to hang around for too long without a reality check, I find myself becoming attached to a certain way or outcome of how life events will unfold. When said events don’t turn out the way I imagined they would, and a situation unfolds the way it normally would anyway, I’m delivered a shock to the system when reality slaps me in the face. Reality sternly reminds me that I often choose not to trust and accept the process of how my life is unfolding and opt instead to choose to think there is a way I can control this process, resulting in self-induced suffering. Expectations and attachments are the main causes of my frustrations and disappointments in the first place because they are rooted in a need to control how my life plays out. In others words, I sabotage myself before I’ve even left the gates!
A funny thing I’ve noticed about when I ask people for help – side tangent – and imagine that.. when I ask for help, a lot of times people actually help me! My apologies for the drama, but I actually have a big fear of asking people for help – tangent over – is that the help people provide me is always on their terms and not mine. Another person is only able to help me out in the way that they see that I need the help I asked for. Through our separate perspectives on life, I notice this creates a boundary between myself and the other person because they don’t see things exactly the way I see things. To picture a boundary, I physically imagine a “big bubble” surrounding my body that comes into contact and interacts with another’s bubble. This boundary is something that with a lot of mutual work and care taken by both myself and another, over time, can result in a bond based on mutually respected agreements made between myself and another. However, the bond requires trust to build, and building trust takes time.
Who knows? I may meet a potential employer, possibly multiple potential employers throughout any given day, if I just make an honest attempt every day to make real human connection. Unfortunately (for myself, the over-thinker) I will have a short window of time with potential employer(s) to establish a genuine connection with them and thus, I will not be able to fully understand the boundary between myself and a potential employer. Instead, I will have to believe in myself and trust my own judgement or “gut feeling” (I personally call this my intuition) that by telling my story, I will be compelling enough to the right employer, and hope that they will see my personal value and worth and give me an opportunity; but, first I will have to step out of the “comfort zone” of my ruminating thoughts and out onto the canvas of the real world and test myself to know for sure through personal experience.
I have big fears about rejection, judgement, and failure that often hold me back from stepping out into the real world and communicating with other humans. I’m afraid people will see the real me and completely reject it, and turn me away. But I realize there’s a problem with this fear.. This fear is based on the belief that any attempt I make to present my story, will be completely rejected by others, which is false. It is false because it’s not realistically possible that every time I “put myself out there,” or act vulnerably and show a bit of my ‘soft underbelly’ that people are going to turn me away. On the other hand, I realize that sometimes when I leave myself open to others, I do leave the opportunity open to those who want to hurt me, and at times, they do hurt me because I’m not focused on suspicion and skepticism so I just can’t see it coming. However, by leaving the door open, I also leave myself open to let others in to help me when I reach out to them. I leave myself open to learn the necessary lessons I require to ‘move forward’ in my life and get “unstuck.” I suppose I could perceive being open and getting hurt sometimes as failure, but I’ve decided that I only fail when I honestly give up without trying or when I don’t learn from an experience; to me, I see an experience as an opportunity for growth, regardless if I perceive the experience as “good” or “bad.”
So, my concluding thought on all of my thoughts is, I have to step out into the world and have hope. My hope may get crushed, but eventually my persistence will bring something, even if it’s just in the form of another lesson. That something will lead me to my next something else, and I’m sure you get the point from there…